Genuine Friendships


Having lived in three provinces in the last three years, my idea of friendship has changed a lot. Moving to a new place always comes with the sometimes daunting task of finding new friends. Somewhere along the journey I realised that a new place doesn’t necessarily mean new friends. Sometimes it just means new acquaintances, new contacts, and new opportunities for growth. In today’s post I’m going to be sharing five key things that I have learned about friendships, and how they have transformed my criteria for awarding someone that title.

1.      Friendship is Not Proximity, it’s Presence

Do you ever look back at your schooling years, and realise that you were only friends with certain people because you had to see them 5 days a week? Or that you were “friends” with someone because your friend wanted to be their friend, so you were automatically stuck with them? I’ve been there too! That is when physical presence kind of makes you believe that there is a genuine connection, when in fact there is not. The presence that I am referring to is the kind that surpasses proximity. I have managed to maintain friendships with people that I haven’t seen in months or years. This is because I realised that knowing that your friend is going to check up on you every morning, or give you call while you are in the bathroom at work, crying. Is far more valuable and intentional than someone who is just conveniently always physically there.

2.       Friendship is Sacrificial (within healthy boundaries)

True friendship is the kind where you will wake up early in the morning so that you can call your friend and make sure that they make it to their job interview. True friendship is that kind where when you know that your friend does not have any food in their fridge or cupboard, that you will show up and make sure they get something to eat. In the past three or four years I have realised that in true friendship you don’t always worry about what you’re going to get out of it. You are so secure in the knowledge that they would do the same for you had you been in that situation. There is no doubt in your mind that you are taken care of in any way you may need.

3.       Friendship is Transparent

Have you ever heard exciting news about someone’s life, and then the awkward question followed of “Oh, she didn’t tell you?” If you have to hear about your “friend’s” life events through somebody else, then you’re probably not real friends (and you’re probably just gossiping). I consider my friends as part of my wise counsel. They help me to make important decisions, and I trust that they would not reveal certain things to others before it is time. True friendship is experienced in being transparent about where you are at the moment; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s a different kind of vulnerability that makes it safe for you to utter the words “I’m not okay” or “I have moments of feeling lonely” And knowing that your words will not be met with judgement or an immediate need to fix.

4.       Friendship Allows You to Grow and Change

Ever heard the saying if you’re not changing, you’re not growing? As human beings we evolve in different ways all the time. Many years ago I had a friend that would act shocked every time my opinion about something would change. Or if I decided to change a habit that I had. It was almost as if I was supposed to stay the same person that I was when we met. True friendship gives you room to explore, gain knowledge and change your opinion and way of thinking. If we were meant to stay the same, we wouldn’t have anything to look forward to. We wouldn’t get to experience new things and develop into a better human being. Friendship, in my opinion, should be the safest space to feel free to evolve without fear of judgement or shunning.

5.       Friendship is Not Painful or Draining

If you dread spending time with a certain “friend” then you probably need to re-evaluate your life. And yes, I am looking at you with a side eye at the moment. Life is too precious; time is too valuable to be spending it with people that leave you feeling drained or less than. If the thought of “oh my goodness, do I have to go to lunch with him/her again?” ever crosses your mind, then you need to change their status from friend to something else. When spending time with a real friend, you are left feeling taken care of, rejuvenated, heard and seen, but most importantly, loved.

I know that in this fast paced social media era that we are in, it is easy to settle for being around certain people all the time just because it would be the easier thing to do. I also know that even with all the social media in the world, it can still be easy to feel isolated and unseen. But I believe that you are worthy of genuine and fulfilling friendships. You are worthy of judgement free connection. You are worthy of the kind of friendships that beat proximity and foster a safe space for you to be who you are. Don’t cheat yourself out of that, I’m certainly not.

I am an Occupational Therapist by profession, but I have many roles that bring meaning to my life. In short, I love people, books and love.

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