The Journeys of Four Single Ladies
I would like to introduce you to four of my really good friends. These are ladies that I've seen grow, and that have seen me grow. There's Beauty, Pertunia, Mosima and Kearabilwe, all between the ages of 21 and 24. And in this week's blog they answer some questions pertaining to singleness and their individual journeys. As discussed last week, the season of singleness can be hard one, let's find out how these ladies have dealt with the pressure of finding bae.
1. What were some of the things you learned about being single? (What are the messages you got from people around you, social media and the church?)
Beauty: So as you get older, singleness becomes a hill or mountain that one needs to get over quickly (I mean as fast as you can) because everyone around you is strongly encouraging you to find or avail yourself to finding bae, even if they aren't there, there is still a bit of pressure to start thinking about it. The message on social media puts relationship as a goal. Have you ever seen #SinglenessGoals? Probably not.
Pertunia: From my mom, I learned that being single is an opportunity to improve myself without having to go through someone else apart from God for approval or suggestions. She taught me that single hood is the most important phase for each person as that is when one discovers their destiny and the purpose of God for their lives with no interruptions from anyone. That is where one gets to learn to hear the voice of God and to fellowship with Him; this includes a time to cultivate a powerful prayer lifestyle.
From society, I was told that one should not stay single for a long time, as it might lead to you finding it difficult being in a relationship again, which I totally disagree with. Society also teaches that being single is a sign of not being pretty enough or not being ‘qualified’ to be asked out and pressure is placed on you to do something to enhance your beauty or to work on yourself in a haste in order for you to get back to the game. It is also depicted as a time of gloom and unhappiness.
Mosima: I learned that being single is not always easy, but can only be achieved through the help of the Holy Spirit, which helps in keeping us closer to the Father, so that we don’t feel the void of not being enough/loved by someone. Therefore, through the Spirit we get closer and intimate with our Father, and that on its own helps every single person to remain single, and still feel loved
Kearabilwe: True satisfaction is found in Jesus Christ! And we only get to know ourselves through Christ and what better time to do that than when you're single? It is a great time to serve God 100%!
2. Did you feel any pressure to be in a relationship? If yes, how did you deal with it?
Beauty: Yes definitely, I would say I have felt pressure to be in a relationship. I am grateful that I have learnt that it is OKAY to be single. In fact it is season/phase/life stage to be cherished and milked for all it's worth. Its such a special time of growth and development in all aspects of our lives including relationships.
Pertunia: Yes, I missed being in a relationship and I missed all those morning texts and having someone in my life whom I would share everything with. At the beginning it was so hard because brothers kept on coming asking me out however I had to get to a point, through the help of the Holy Spirit, where I discovered the reason I walked away from the previous relationship and what I wanted to achieve and that helped stir me to focusing on the initial goal and forget about relationships. I can totally say I don’t feel the pressure sometimes, it’s still a work in progress
Mosima: Yes, especially being a university student and always seeing your peers appearing to be in love and happy. I always remind myself that God’s promises are ‘Yes’ & ‘Amen’, so I always tell myself that ‘you know what Mosima, God will give you a loving man one day’... and also I take into consideration the process I’m undergoing in understanding and revealing what God has in store for me.
There is a time and a season for everything, if you are not in a relationship at this moment, that means you are still being prepared to become the best partner you can be. Because this stage does help one understand what they want, who they are, AND where they are headed to.
Kearabilwe: Absolutely!! Eventually after trying to do things my way and them not working out, I made a decision to trust God. I kept on coming up empty and hurt so I prayed through it and gave it all to God.
3. What experiences have you had with dating or with the opposite sex that have lead to this season of singleness? (What took place in order for you to realise that your season of singleness is an important one?)
Beauty: So I haven't officially dated anyone but most of the "potential" relationship pursuits have ended up in disappointment and hurt. I think as young Christians (both sexes because some of our brothers have been hurt by us girls and so have the ladies been hurt by the brothers) we can be a bit dodgy sometimes especially because in most Christian communities the dating culture hasn't been clearly defined so people end up doing things in secret. We all know that the things that happen in secret aren't always good.
So it's only recently where I have actually realized the precious-Ness of singleness. Its so precious because it always for us to just behold Jesus, learn being comfortable in intimacy with Jesus, a season of learning to wait (not the passive kind ) in God, for God, for many things. This might sound airy fairy but when our eyes are open to this, it's amazingly freeing
Pertunia: Realising that the other person’s personality is not compatible to yours and all that creates a huge conflict between the two of you, which leads to an unhealthy relationship. Having all those conflicts robbed me of my time with God and His word and I was so consumed in this relationship and trying to make it work on my own. It was draining and exhausting so after the break up I realised how much of my spiritual life I had neglected and how I was not spiritually ready to steward another person’s life without struggling with my own spiritual commitments.
Mosima: I realised that I was falling in the hands of the wrong people each time, the relationships will always make feel distant spiritually, in some I would even end up committing sin (e.g. sexual immorality), and that always made me feel so impure, dirty, and distant and unworthy of God’s love/grace. So I then decided that I had to allow Christ Jesus to help me become a better person by allowing the Holy Spirit to be my guider, counsel and everything.
And every time I would get involved in a relationship, it was always not for God’s glory but for my own selfish flesh desires, and that is why in almost all of them I was deeply hurt. So I need God to work within in my life, to give rest & restoration, so that when He releases me then I will finally be ready to get involved with a man He will choose for me.
Kearabilwe: So many things! But one thing for sure I was selfish! I wanted things my way and that is not what a relationship is about. I only got to know the true meaning of a relationship during this single season. It took me getting hurt and also hurting some people in the process because of my selfish desires.
4. What steps have you had to take to get to the point of being content with being single as a Christian young woman?
Beauty: I have had to learn the nature and character of God. His heart for me. I have also learned the meaning of covenant, what it means that God is our covenant partner. There is enough contentment there.
Pertunia: One thing I had to do was to unlearn all that society has taught me about single hood which are contrary to the word of God. Wanting to know what the word of God says about relationships and being single was a great step to take as that enlightened me with regards to what God says and how He intended I live my life as a single person
I also had to admit that I was hurt in the past and that it is okay to be alone for a while as I go through a healing process. Previously I didn’t allow myself to heal so I would go into another relationship shortly after the break up and find that I get hurt more and it becomes a toxic vicious cycle.
Mosima: Reading books such as “Lady in waiting” by Jackie Kendall, and “Lead Me, Holy Spirit” by Stormie Omartian, have been some of the books which have encouraged me a lot in this journey. And also listening to sermons which do speak about dating, being single or married.
Kearabilwe: I've had to have countless conversations with myself, friends and God about this. I knew I couldn't continue doing things my way so I had to expose myself in a way to those close to me and God. Now I have to make a decision each and everyday to be content with my portion regardless of how I feel because I know God loves me and that's more than enough.
5. What advice would you give to other young women who are struggling with enjoying and making the most of their season of singleness?
Beauty: It's not about enjoying singleness but about enjoying God and the relationships that He has blessed you with currently. Its all about learning to wait the active kind, were we discover God and more of ourselves(purpose) more and more.
Pertunia: My advice would be that one needs to be true to themselves and to God. If we are able to tell God how we feel honestly and to admit when we are feeling lonely or miss being a relationship then we have allowed Him to help us. It is of no benefit hiding our challenges from the One who created us, being open with Him also deepens our relationship with Him and creates an intimacy like no other.
This way one will grow in spirituality and her relationship with God which will lead to enjoying single hood. For those who were in relationships before, share with God whatever you would have shared with your boyfriend, this will not leave a vacuum open in your life because the boyfriend is no longer in the picture. I would also suggest that one surrounds themselves or have relationships
(friendships) with ladies who are single and loving it, they are a great source of motivation.
Mosima: Enjoy and endure the season you are in! When facing life, you shouldn’t rush through every season! Every season that you go through is important for your growth, just like a child who is born and is expected to go through different milestones in order to develop appropriately, therefore, we are also like that in going through our different seasons in life.
Kearabilwe: Pray through it! Tell God everything about the struggles you go through, how you feel, then surround yourself with friends who love God and strive to live for Him. It becomes easier if you have people who take it upon themselves to see to it that you embrace and make the most of where God has you.
Well, there you have it!! The experiences of these four ladies are not only rich in lessons but they are comforting in the sense that one can relate with aspects of each story. So to all of my single ladies, find your contentment in God. Only He can satisfy the void that is in your heart. Do not resent this time of preparation, because if you use it wisely, you'll thank yourself one day.
1. What were some of the things you learned about being single? (What are the messages you got from people around you, social media and the church?)
Beauty: So as you get older, singleness becomes a hill or mountain that one needs to get over quickly (I mean as fast as you can) because everyone around you is strongly encouraging you to find or avail yourself to finding bae, even if they aren't there, there is still a bit of pressure to start thinking about it. The message on social media puts relationship as a goal. Have you ever seen #SinglenessGoals? Probably not.
Pertunia: From my mom, I learned that being single is an opportunity to improve myself without having to go through someone else apart from God for approval or suggestions. She taught me that single hood is the most important phase for each person as that is when one discovers their destiny and the purpose of God for their lives with no interruptions from anyone. That is where one gets to learn to hear the voice of God and to fellowship with Him; this includes a time to cultivate a powerful prayer lifestyle.
From society, I was told that one should not stay single for a long time, as it might lead to you finding it difficult being in a relationship again, which I totally disagree with. Society also teaches that being single is a sign of not being pretty enough or not being ‘qualified’ to be asked out and pressure is placed on you to do something to enhance your beauty or to work on yourself in a haste in order for you to get back to the game. It is also depicted as a time of gloom and unhappiness.
Mosima: I learned that being single is not always easy, but can only be achieved through the help of the Holy Spirit, which helps in keeping us closer to the Father, so that we don’t feel the void of not being enough/loved by someone. Therefore, through the Spirit we get closer and intimate with our Father, and that on its own helps every single person to remain single, and still feel loved
Kearabilwe: True satisfaction is found in Jesus Christ! And we only get to know ourselves through Christ and what better time to do that than when you're single? It is a great time to serve God 100%!
2. Did you feel any pressure to be in a relationship? If yes, how did you deal with it?
Beauty: Yes definitely, I would say I have felt pressure to be in a relationship. I am grateful that I have learnt that it is OKAY to be single. In fact it is season/phase/life stage to be cherished and milked for all it's worth. Its such a special time of growth and development in all aspects of our lives including relationships.
Pertunia: Yes, I missed being in a relationship and I missed all those morning texts and having someone in my life whom I would share everything with. At the beginning it was so hard because brothers kept on coming asking me out however I had to get to a point, through the help of the Holy Spirit, where I discovered the reason I walked away from the previous relationship and what I wanted to achieve and that helped stir me to focusing on the initial goal and forget about relationships. I can totally say I don’t feel the pressure sometimes, it’s still a work in progress
Mosima: Yes, especially being a university student and always seeing your peers appearing to be in love and happy. I always remind myself that God’s promises are ‘Yes’ & ‘Amen’, so I always tell myself that ‘you know what Mosima, God will give you a loving man one day’... and also I take into consideration the process I’m undergoing in understanding and revealing what God has in store for me.
There is a time and a season for everything, if you are not in a relationship at this moment, that means you are still being prepared to become the best partner you can be. Because this stage does help one understand what they want, who they are, AND where they are headed to.
Kearabilwe: Absolutely!! Eventually after trying to do things my way and them not working out, I made a decision to trust God. I kept on coming up empty and hurt so I prayed through it and gave it all to God.
3. What experiences have you had with dating or with the opposite sex that have lead to this season of singleness? (What took place in order for you to realise that your season of singleness is an important one?)
Beauty: So I haven't officially dated anyone but most of the "potential" relationship pursuits have ended up in disappointment and hurt. I think as young Christians (both sexes because some of our brothers have been hurt by us girls and so have the ladies been hurt by the brothers) we can be a bit dodgy sometimes especially because in most Christian communities the dating culture hasn't been clearly defined so people end up doing things in secret. We all know that the things that happen in secret aren't always good.
So it's only recently where I have actually realized the precious-Ness of singleness. Its so precious because it always for us to just behold Jesus, learn being comfortable in intimacy with Jesus, a season of learning to wait (not the passive kind ) in God, for God, for many things. This might sound airy fairy but when our eyes are open to this, it's amazingly freeing
Pertunia: Realising that the other person’s personality is not compatible to yours and all that creates a huge conflict between the two of you, which leads to an unhealthy relationship. Having all those conflicts robbed me of my time with God and His word and I was so consumed in this relationship and trying to make it work on my own. It was draining and exhausting so after the break up I realised how much of my spiritual life I had neglected and how I was not spiritually ready to steward another person’s life without struggling with my own spiritual commitments.
Mosima: I realised that I was falling in the hands of the wrong people each time, the relationships will always make feel distant spiritually, in some I would even end up committing sin (e.g. sexual immorality), and that always made me feel so impure, dirty, and distant and unworthy of God’s love/grace. So I then decided that I had to allow Christ Jesus to help me become a better person by allowing the Holy Spirit to be my guider, counsel and everything.
And every time I would get involved in a relationship, it was always not for God’s glory but for my own selfish flesh desires, and that is why in almost all of them I was deeply hurt. So I need God to work within in my life, to give rest & restoration, so that when He releases me then I will finally be ready to get involved with a man He will choose for me.
Kearabilwe: So many things! But one thing for sure I was selfish! I wanted things my way and that is not what a relationship is about. I only got to know the true meaning of a relationship during this single season. It took me getting hurt and also hurting some people in the process because of my selfish desires.
4. What steps have you had to take to get to the point of being content with being single as a Christian young woman?
Beauty: I have had to learn the nature and character of God. His heart for me. I have also learned the meaning of covenant, what it means that God is our covenant partner. There is enough contentment there.
Pertunia: One thing I had to do was to unlearn all that society has taught me about single hood which are contrary to the word of God. Wanting to know what the word of God says about relationships and being single was a great step to take as that enlightened me with regards to what God says and how He intended I live my life as a single person
I also had to admit that I was hurt in the past and that it is okay to be alone for a while as I go through a healing process. Previously I didn’t allow myself to heal so I would go into another relationship shortly after the break up and find that I get hurt more and it becomes a toxic vicious cycle.
Mosima: Reading books such as “Lady in waiting” by Jackie Kendall, and “Lead Me, Holy Spirit” by Stormie Omartian, have been some of the books which have encouraged me a lot in this journey. And also listening to sermons which do speak about dating, being single or married.
Kearabilwe: I've had to have countless conversations with myself, friends and God about this. I knew I couldn't continue doing things my way so I had to expose myself in a way to those close to me and God. Now I have to make a decision each and everyday to be content with my portion regardless of how I feel because I know God loves me and that's more than enough.
5. What advice would you give to other young women who are struggling with enjoying and making the most of their season of singleness?
Beauty: It's not about enjoying singleness but about enjoying God and the relationships that He has blessed you with currently. Its all about learning to wait the active kind, were we discover God and more of ourselves(purpose) more and more.
Pertunia: My advice would be that one needs to be true to themselves and to God. If we are able to tell God how we feel honestly and to admit when we are feeling lonely or miss being a relationship then we have allowed Him to help us. It is of no benefit hiding our challenges from the One who created us, being open with Him also deepens our relationship with Him and creates an intimacy like no other.
This way one will grow in spirituality and her relationship with God which will lead to enjoying single hood. For those who were in relationships before, share with God whatever you would have shared with your boyfriend, this will not leave a vacuum open in your life because the boyfriend is no longer in the picture. I would also suggest that one surrounds themselves or have relationships
(friendships) with ladies who are single and loving it, they are a great source of motivation.
Mosima: Enjoy and endure the season you are in! When facing life, you shouldn’t rush through every season! Every season that you go through is important for your growth, just like a child who is born and is expected to go through different milestones in order to develop appropriately, therefore, we are also like that in going through our different seasons in life.
Kearabilwe: Pray through it! Tell God everything about the struggles you go through, how you feel, then surround yourself with friends who love God and strive to live for Him. It becomes easier if you have people who take it upon themselves to see to it that you embrace and make the most of where God has you.
Well, there you have it!! The experiences of these four ladies are not only rich in lessons but they are comforting in the sense that one can relate with aspects of each story. So to all of my single ladies, find your contentment in God. Only He can satisfy the void that is in your heart. Do not resent this time of preparation, because if you use it wisely, you'll thank yourself one day.