Raising Girls

Since I wrote the poem “How Girls Are Raised” (if you haven't read it, stop reading and go check it out, and then come back to this post), a lot of my thoughts have been centered around how I would want to raise my one day daughters. I believe that parenthood, along with a lot of other things in life, need intentionality. I am yet to be blessed with the honour of being a parent. From my experience as someone’s child and being on the receiving end of parenting, I believe that one cannot parent thoughtlessly and haphazardly. You have to decide before you become a parent how you would want to raise your children. According to research, we live in a world where almost half of reported pregnancies are unwanted or unplanned. Based on this, it becomes easy to see how most people are not mentally ready for a child and probably haven’t taken the time to figure out how they would want to parent.

I was having a conversation with one of my close friends, and she was telling me that she wants to throw a menstruation party for when her daughter starts getting her periods. I'll be honest, I thought that it was a bit over the top because she even asked me to be a guest speaker at the party. But as the conversation got deeper, I realised that the purpose behind it would be to celebrate a normal body function that society has labeled as dirty and unacceptable to talk about in public.

I believe that parents are the people that have the most power in shaping the minds of their children. In a world that sends so many messages about beauty, beliefs, and other important aspects about life, it is important that parents realize the extent to which they influence their children. Dr. Gail Gross, a human behaviour, parenting, and education expert, stated that it is in the initial interactions between parents and children where children learn what is good and bad, who they are, and who they’re supposed to be. As a parent, you have a heavy influence on your children’s self-image, their perceptions on the opposite sex, and even how they interact and communicate with others.

Even though parents have a major influence on their children, they are not the only ones that help to shape the human being. Let’s take school and church for example. At a young age, I got the message that my skirt must never be above my knees. If it is, it shouldn’t be more than four fingers above. If I’m at church, I must use a scarf to place on my lap or else the ushering team will do it for me. What that subconsciously taught me as a young girl is that there is something wrong with my knees and my thighs, and I must try by all means to wear clothing that covers everything up.

Spaghetti straps were like a swear word! A girl should never show her shoulders. If you’re wearing a spaghetti strap top you must wear a shawl to cover up, so that you look decent. The message that was communicated was that my legs, my shoulders, my knees, my thighs were going to tempt someone. Therefore it was my responsibility to cover up and make sure that I don’t become a stumbling block to someone else. It was only in the last couple of years that I’ve had to navigate the issue of modesty for myself. I realized that there is nothing wrong with my legs, there is nothing wrong with my thighs, there is nothing wrong with my shoulders. As long as I’m wearing clothes that I am comfortable with, and don’t feel like I am showing too much (which technically speaking, is a subjective thing, it cannot be prescribed).

Going back to intentional parenting. Based on the examples that I’ve given and the tendency for society to not only police all things concerning a woman’s body, but also to make women believe that their bodies are anything short of miraculous. I want to raise my daughters to know that their knees are beautiful. That stretch marks are signs of growth. That periods are not dirty. That their breasts will one day be a source of nutrition. And that their afros don’t have to be straightened in order to be acceptable. I want to raise girls that are aware of their bodies. Girls that know that they are wonderfully made. Girls that know that their worth does not lie in the size of their hips. I want to raise girls that will not make themselves shorter or dumber so that others can feel better about themselves.

I am yet to start pondering on how to raise boys. My initial thoughts are that they will see women as equals, and not footrests. They will understand that the function of a woman is much more than that of a domestic worker. More than just a child bearer. More than just a body that brings pleasure. More than just a trophy to show off to the boys. I want to leave behind children that will not think that anything to do with the anatomy and physiology of a woman is something to be ashamed of.