Tenacity to Purpose

Have you ever heard a lot about a particular person & then when you met them they turned out to be the opposite of what you expected? Have you ever found that your experience of them did not match the story that you heard? As people we created narratives all the time. Narratives about ourselves and our family. We do this when it comes to our work life, our social circle, everything. These narratives are the way in which we choose to understand and present certain situations and events in our lives. The same can be done with the different people in our life.   I think one needs to always be aware of the narrative that they are creating about different areas of your life. We need to be able to nonjudgmentally question and analyse some of the stories that we have created about certain parts of our lives. As humans we tend to shift to the “lack” mentality whenever we are trying to achieve something and it isn’t working out, or when we realise that we are missing something in our ...

I am a shapeshifter.  Always have been.  It's a skill I learned From a young age.  As a kid I learned the importance of speaking My mind , just not in Front of elders.  So, I can be as quiet As a church mouse And then be able to Give my opinion Very decidedly,  Given the right audience.  I am a shapeshifter.  I am able to move Between the different Roles that I play In my life.  I can go from being the Therapist with the Listening ear,  To being the best friend That vents and cries Over voicenotes.  I am a shapeshifter.  I can go from being proud To be black,  To being tired of being black.  Because it's tiring to be Black in this world sometimes.  I go from being proud Of being a woman,  To feeling like I'm being Punished.  Because apparently being A woman is a crime worthy Of punishment.  I am a shapeshifter.  Working hard to be An independent,  goal driven woman.  But wanting to be a ...

A couple of months ago, I was faced with a maintenance issue in my flat. It escalated so quickly that I needed someone to immediately come and help me because it was now an emergency. Because this unfortunate event happened after hours, nobody had a permit to work at night, which meant that I had to nurse the situation until morning, until a professional could come and fix it. A lot of the times when we are in emergency situations it is easy to be inconsolable and if we do not have the right people there willing to help us, it can become a mess really quick. Immediately I contacted the closest people to me, both physically and emotionally, and explained the situation. In that moment I did not feel alone in the situation even though I was physically alone. So I got through the night and had someone lined up to come and fix it first thing in the morning. Immediately when the kind handyman showed up, he knew exactly what the problem was and he was able to fix it in less than 30 minutes....

We are in week 5 of the national lockdown, and I think that we can all agree that this has been the longest April in the history of Aprils. And at this point in time, I think we're allowed to pretend that April never happened. When your kids ask you what happened in April of 2020, you have my full permission to say that it never happened. With lockdown we have lost a lot of control over our lives. Where we go, how we get there, how we get our work done and how kids are getting through school. Some of us had big plans for this time of year. Some people were about to get married, some were about to buy a car, maybe you were even about to move to another province. Everything that we had planned, is now on pause until further notice. This has created a bit of anxiety because Covid19 is real, and our routine as we know it has gone out the window. As human beings we love to plan because not only does it give us something to look forward to but it also gives us a sense of control. Have yo...

On the first day of lockdown I was running a leisure group with a colleague, and I asked each of the clients to name their favourite game as a child. After each person in the room had had their turn, I asked them to think back to how they felt when they were playing that game, and when was the last time they had that same feeling. I have written on many occasions about our need to keep busy and giving too much focus on work. But one thing that we have lost as a result of focusing on the grind is our ability to play. When was the last time you played, and laughed and felt as free as a bird? It was upon asking my clients that question that I myself was forced to reflect and ask myself what has been stopping me from playing and creating moments where I can experience joy with no sign of anxiety or stress in sight? It is easy to blame our schedules, our responsibilities and even our dependents for having less time to play. But the truth is that we are in control of how we spend our t...

There are days. There are days when it feels as if it is winter. But it is only winter for me. Everybody else is experiencing summer together. They are enjoying the rays of the sun, basking in its warmth.  There are days. Days when coffee isn't enough to wake me up. When chocolate no longer lifts my mood. And music doesn't do the trick because I can't even decide which song I want to listen to. There are days. Days when I wish that I could sleep for 12 hours straight, so that I have less of the day to deal with. So I can talk less and keep the fake smiles to a minimum.  Days when it feels like it isn't just cold outside, but inside as well. And when those days come. Because they do come. I choose to wait it out. No use in fighting. No use in using the little energy that I have. So I wait. I wait for a sunny day. I wait for the clouds to go away. Because trying to fight it sometimes only makes it worse. And there...

The human body is a well-designed machine, able to fight off diseases, able to house and nurture new life until it is time to give birth. Our brains, being the motherboard, controls function to the different parts of the body. It has control for things like appetite, emotions, even our motor functioning! It still amazes me how much our bodies are able to do and how much they are able to handle. But have you ever gotten to a point where the body is fatigued? Even the thought of getting out of bed has already depleted the little energy you had? Well, when we don’t manage our stress levels well, our body tends to throw out warning signs to let us know that we need to slow down. What kind of signs, you ask? Let me tell you… Being a health professional working specifically in mental health, I see a lot of patients come in complaining of how at first their energy levels went down, and then they struggle with headaches or even tummy issues. I myself struggled for a while with chest pain...

Building a new habit is not always as easy as they make it to seem. 21 days, they say. Surely it can’t be that easy. Because when you’re a recovering people pleaser, anything can be a trigger. The urge to go back to your old ways will sometimes be so strong, that you need to call a friend to remind you of who you have become. The road to recovery is filled with lots of guilt and shame, because how dare you put  your needs before other’s!? How dare you stop letting other’s words dictate your actions, your life!? How dare you do what makes you happy!? How dare you take back your power!? When you’re a recovering people pleaser, anything can be a trigger. The words of a loved one. The need to feel understood. The craving to be accepted. Sometimes it can be as simple as not wanting to say “no” to a “fairly reasonable request”. But remember why you are here in the first place. Remember why you chose to go to rehab. Remember the freedom that you...

Having lived in three provinces in the last three years, my idea of friendship has changed a lot. Moving to a new place always comes with the sometimes daunting task of finding new friends. Somewhere along the journey I realised that a new place doesn’t necessarily mean new friends. Sometimes it just means new acquaintances, new contacts, and new opportunities for growth. In today’s post I’m going to be sharing five key things that I have learned about friendships, and how they have transformed my criteria for awarding someone that title. 1.       Friendship is Not Proximity, it’s Presence Do you ever look back at your schooling years, and realise that you were only friends with certain people because you had to see them 5 days a week? Or that you were “friends” with someone because your friend wanted to be their friend, so you were automatically stuck with them? I’ve been there too! That is when physical presence kind of makes you believe that there is a genuin...

When two worlds collide, it is exactly that. An explosion. A big bang. A head on collision. At first the impact is not felt, no, it's all butterflies and rainbows. You get lost in the genuineness in his eyes. He is still in disbelief that this is really happening. The sounds of the collision are muffuled by your declarations of love. When two people come together, it is like uprooting two oak trees so that they could be closer to each other. Along with them come all the people that have watered them when they were just seeds. The people that pruned leaves and branches. Those that used the tree for shade and didn't give thanks to the tree. When a tree is uprooted, the things once hidden are now at the surface. Vulnerability has a way of making a person go into fight or flight mode. We either stay, and put up a fight while we're at it. Or we flee and always wonder what could have been. Not only are we scared to show ourselves bare to the other person, we fear what the mir...

I love being there for the people that I love. I find so much joy and fulfillment in being available when my friends and family need me. Whether it be a phone call, or a pizza date. If you want me there, consider it done. It dawned on me a while ago that I do this because I would want that kind of treatment from them. On days when I need someone to vent to or just share good news, I would want to know that it brings them joy to make time for me. Over the past two months, I have had to spend more time with myself for the purpose of recharging my batteries. Being around people and interacting with them, is kind of what my job is all about. I love that about my job, but it can also be taxing. I don't know if you've ever heard of social exhaustion before. In an article on Psych Central, Sarah Newman writes about how introverts can burn out from too much social interaction. In the article she shares how she experienced burnout when family members came to stay with them. Hosting pe...

Transitions can be very tricky to navigate. Change is an inevitable thing that none of us can escape. Transitions can be scary, but I believe that they can be a catalyst for growth. If I had chosen to stay the same person I was 10 years ago, I would be doing an injustice to the people around me and to myself. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines transition as a “passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another: CHANGE” It gives a second definition that describes transition as “a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another.” It would great if every transition in our lives was a smooth one, unfortunately this isn’t always the case. Sometimes change can leave us with lots of anxiety due to the uncertainty of the outcome. When we transition, we move from one stage of our lives to the other. Oftentimes we cannot predict how things will pan out. That is what freaks us out the most, the lack of control we have over the transition. I went ...

In July I shared with my Instagram followers that 2018 was, and still is, my year of isolation. I think that for anybody graduating from varsity and moving to a new place, starting a new job, it requires a lot of adjusting. Whether you are moving to a rural area, or a big city, you have to find new people. New people that you can rely and depend on. As the age old saying goes, no man is an island. This year, however, has taught me that every now and again, isolation is needed. Some sort of separation from your normal routine, normal environment, normal crowd. This separation does not promise comfort. It does not promise a smooth sail. But it does promise growth, it does promise a lot of learning and unlearning, and it does promise adventure. A year ago around this time, I had just finished my final exams of my undergraduate studies. I was trying to catch up on all the sleep that I had missed out on, while trying to come to grips with the reality that I was now done with varsity. The...

It’s Saturday morning. I’m sitting in bed, reading a book while drinking coffee (because what’s a morning without coffee, right?). I live in a block of flats and outside my window, my neighbour’s kids are playing. I listen on as another neighbour hangs her laundry (the washing line also happens to be outside my window), and talks about how hot it is today. I stop reading my book for a minute to do two things. First, I wish that I could mute the sounds outside so that I can focus on my book. I quickly realise that I can’t, so I let that thought go. Second, I realise how awesome it is that I am in a season in my life where I can justify sitting in my bed at 9:30 on a Saturday morning, reading a book. I mean, sure, I also have laundry to do. I could probably also be outside playing, because you’re never too old to play. But on this Saturday morning I could choose to stay in bed and read a book. Choice is a powerful thing, very powerful. Every choice writes a story about your priorit...

Since I wrote the poem “How Girls Are Raised” (if you haven't read it, stop reading and go check it out, and then come back to this post), a lot of my thoughts have been centered around how I would want to raise my one day daughters. I believe that parenthood, along with a lot of other things in life, need intentionality. I am yet to be blessed with the honour of being a parent. From my experience as someone’s child and being on the receiving end of parenting, I believe that one cannot parent thoughtlessly and haphazardly. You have to decide before you become a parent how you would want to raise your children. According to research, we live in a world where almost half of reported pregnancies are unwanted or unplanned. Based on this, it becomes easy to see how most people are not mentally ready for a child and probably haven’t taken the time to figure out how they would want to parent. I was having a conversation with one of my close friends, and she was telling me that she w...

Girls aren’t raised to break. Girls aren’t raised to shake or show signs of fear or weakness. Girls aren’t raised to buckle under pressure. Girls aren’t raised to object. They aren’t raised to raise their voices or their concerns. Girls are raised to listen. Girls are raised to continue loving even when being thrown with rocks. Girls are raised to value the opinion of others and make them their truth. Girls are raised to remain strong no matter what. They are raised to forget their opinion when men enter the room. We are taught to be soft and dependant when needed, but told that we have the strength of a rock when life takes a swing at us. Girls are raised to stay indoors and keep the house clean. Girls are raised to be afraid of going out when it is dark. Girls are raised to not learn important life skills like driving, until it is absolutely necessary. Girls are raised to wait until everyone is served, and then they can help themselves. They are ...

She lives in a world that always has an opinion about her. She lives in a society that always wants to tell her how to act, what to say and what not to do. She lives in a world that is quicker to tell her how to dress, than to protect her. She lives in a world where staying indoors is just as dangerous as being on the streets, because the one that was caressing her last night is the same one who can plant a bruise on her cheek the next day. She is always being told what to do with her body. She is told to cover it up. To cover it up in a way that will make her look unattractive.  Cover it up in a way that will make her look respectful.  Cover it up, so that eyes don’t get a chance to undress her.  Cover it up, because too much flesh means that she’s asking for it.  She’s asking to be catcalled, she’s asking to be harassed, and she’s asking to be raped. I have never heard them tell men what to do with their bodies.  I have never hear...

Why is it that in situations where we need help We isolate ourselves We convince ourselves that we'll receive more judgement than love We tell ourselves that no one will understand Because we're the first to go through something like this Most times it is not those around us that shame and guilt us But it is ourselves It is our own misinterpretation of what being human is It is our misunderstanding of the fact that we are only human And that we are bound to make mistakes and fall sometimes We choose to see ourselves through broken mirrors and lenses No wonder we only see distortion and brokenness Why do we camp at the scenes of our failures Why do we build homes at the moments of our lives that brought destruction Why do we meditate on the thoughts of self blame then wonder why we cannot forgive ourselves Forgive ourselves for forgetting that we are all things strength Forgive ourselves for allowing the need for acceptance to make us discard our identities For...